I have become my mother!

I swore it would never happen, but the inevitable has been sneaking up on me for years. For one thing, I see her in the mirror. The first few times I gasped out loud, but I'm getting used to it. The funny thing is I never looked like her when I was younger. Maybe all those genes were just waiting to let loose all at once. I know I sound like her, at least her inflections and little sayings. Every once in a while one of my daughters will catch me in a gesture and say, "Oh, that was such a grandma face!"

Some habits are engrained—taught, trained, repeated. As children, we learn them; as adolescents, we fight them; as grownups, we adopt them. So many things I do are because my mother either did them or drilled the behaviors into me. I see those same traits and expressions in my own daughters.

Today, I was particularly aware of how much I am like my mother. It is Sunday. I had no particular plans except to work (Sunday ... Tuesday ... Friday ... that's what I do). But first, I did the morning ritual: washed my face, brushed my teeth, made coffee, and drank it while I read a mystery. Then, I went into high gear, from shower to serious hair and make-up to straightening up my condo. My outfit, selected for comfort, was coordinated; so was my jewelry.

Here is the irony. I wasn't going anywhere. I never left the house; no one dropped by. The only person who even knew I went through all that effort was yours truly. I was ready for company or the mailman or anyone. But that really wasn't the point. My mother was always immaculately groomed and coordinated, earrings to toenails. That's what I remember most vividly. That's what I admired. That's what I loved about her.

Dininig Experience from Hell

My sister and I had dinner at what was supposed to be the "best restaurant" in Grafton, Illinois. Unfortunately, it failed to live up to its advanced press. The pizza, which we ordered as a meal, was the size of dessert plate. The waitress never came near us, so we put in our own order and paid without getting a check. When we mentioned the lack of service to the owner, he abruptly pulled a bunch of bills out of register and slammed them on the counter. We said we really didn't want our money back. Shoving the bills in our direction, he said it would make HIM feel better to give us our money back. We escaped without taking the refund.

"Well," I asked as we drove away, "What lesson can we take away from THAT experience?" This was tough, even for two people who were determined to make lemonade out of a bunch of pretty rotten lemons. (We don't always do that.)

We had just read Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell. My sister suggested that if we had read his face more carefully, we would have known what emotions were going on there. I, being the family philosopher said, "You never know what is going on in people's lives. All you know is what you see on the surface. Maybe he had a very bad day."

"Even so," she countered, "Since he owns a restaurant that caters to tourists, don't you think he could have TRIED to be gracious?" So much for brainstorming.

We drove in silence all the way back to our little cabin. Finally, my sister said, "Maybe the lesson is to lower our expectations so we'll never be disappointed." I'm sure the guy who writes the Zen Habits blog would agree. He's always saying stuff like that. It's great advice and an apt lesson; but for this mere mortal, it will take a lot of work to put it into practice. (No, that was not an intentional pun.)

Paradigm Shift

I have a couple of important people in my life who tell me to keep my expectations low (or have none), so I won't be disappointed. I am beginning to think this is good advice. One of the things that drives me crazy is when I "expect" someone to do what I'm sure I would do under
similar circumstances, and that person doesn't come through. I become instantly disillusioned. Another way to look at it is to expect nothing and always be pleasantly surprised if something good happens.

The other day I received an e-mail from my favorite blog, "Zen Habits." It read, "Today I’m going to suggest a small change in mindset that could change your life ... Think of nothing that happens as either good or bad. Stop judging, and stop expecting."

When you get the same admonition three times in one day, it is probably time to heed these words of wisdom. It's won't be easy, but like all new mindsets, I know it will be possible.

zenhabits@gmail.com zen habits: The Elements of Living Lightly